This month marks a 9 month stretch of my life that I actually feel good about myself, both physically and mentally. I know that is a strange thing to announce but since I post a lot on social media and have a blog, I probably come across like my life is all rainbows and roses all the time. I thought it was time for some perspective.
There is literally not a time I can remember in my life where I didn’t think I was fat. I don’t know why or how this thought started in my brain, but it’s a little voice I’ve lived with forever. There is a psychological disorder called “Body Dysmorphic Disorder” which is defined in it’s simplest terms as “a psychological disorder in which a person becomes obsessed with imaginary defects in their appearance”. Now I’ve never been diagnosed by a professional and these thoughts have never caused me to miss work or school or have trouble making or keeping relationships, but they’ve definitely been obsessive.
It’s a vicious cycle of feeling and thinking your fat or are gaining weight, constantly thinking about what your next meal is going to be and beating yourself up about the bad food you just ate. My weight has fluctuated as a grown woman from 117 lbs. to 170 lbs. I sometimes wonder why I never become bulimic or anorexic, but thank goodness it never got to that point. The pictures in this post show the fluctuations throughout the years. I’m sure this explains my interest in nutrition and exercise and why I spend so much time talking about it. As I’ve gotten older I’ve certainly learned how to eat better and with my digestive issues I’ve learned how to keep my tummy happy through proper nutrition. So that in turn means I’ve maintained a more appropriate weight. But that really didn’t stop the noise in my head that said “Uh oh, be careful, keep it together or this might be the time you can’t control yourself, blah, blah, blah.”
When I got asked to try nutritional cleansing I thought why not, it will be interesting research for my blog. But secretly in my head I was hoping it would help me lose weight. The fact was I didn’t really need to lose weight but even at 45 that constant noise was still in my head trying to convince me otherwise. So I dove in. I mean I got it all, the shakes, vitamins, Ionix, Cleanse, and the sports performance products. Within the first 4 days of starting the program I was feeling amazing, like someone turned the lights up a little brighter. By the end of the first month I was hooked and there was no going back.
So what makes this program so special, I’m sure you are wondering? Well honestly I can’t tell you if it’s just the rebalancing of my body and the fact for the first time I was getting every macro, micro and phytonutrient that my body required. Or if it was the people I’ve met along this journey, whose only goal is to lift you up, tell you how great you are doing and get you to be nice to yourself. Whatever it’s been it’s flipped a switch in my head that turned that contents noise OFF.
Normally the holiday season would be one of the toughest times. I’d worry at Thanksgiving that I was eating too much. Then the holiday parties would come and I would beat myself up for not making better choices. By the time New Years Day arrived the cycle of punishing myself and then eating more because I felt bad about the poor choices would have just about done me in. But not this year. Most of the time, these days, I don’t really care about the food that is being served. I can take it or leave it. Once again I think this I can be attributed to the fact that I’m not deficient in any vitamin or mineral of any kind, so I have very few food cravings. But I also know that I’m ok now, I have control, I have a magnificent lifestyle to always go back to after too much indulging. The noise in my head is gone and now I have balance. So just know it hasn’t always been rainbows and roses, but these days I celebrate how far I’ve come.