Why am I the way I am? I have been asking myself this question a lot lately. As part of my 16-week athletic challenge, I’ve also been looking inside and evaluating how I deal with challenges in my life.
I started this blog for two specific reasons. One reason is if I could pick any career it’s to be a writer. However my skills at writing are not that great. I can create a great business letter but as far as coming up with creative writing stories, I’m at a bit of a loss. The other and really more important reason was to do something scary. I wouldn’t exactly call myself a private person but writing a blog means putting yourself out there for people to judge.
For the last 20 years I’ve work at the same comfortable job in medical sales and service. Honestly I think I could perform my daily tasks while taking a nap, I’ve done it for so long. I love it, and the people I work with, so there is no reason for me to find something new. However, over the last few years I’ve found my mind becoming rather stagnant because I’m not pushing myself and that’s scary to me. I’ve been coasting through life the easy way, not challenging myself whatsoever, just going through the motions. That’s not to say I was just laying around doing nothing, but I wasn’t doing anything outside of the “box”.
Why? Well I know exactly why…FEAR. I’m afraid of everything, spiders, heights, not being smart enough, looking silly in front of other people and having to communicate with strangers. In fact someone in college once said to me during a conversation, “Do you realize you are living your life in fear?” It seemed like a normal thing to me then, but now it seems kind of sad.
So recently I’ve decided to step out of the little comfortable box I have built up for myself. I’m working on coming from a place of yes and repeating a new mantra “I will not be afraid”. Now don’t get me wrong I’m still not going to hold a tarantula in my hand or jump out of an airplane. But I might take a hike through a rainforest (knowing there are plenty of spiders lurking in the trees) or maybe go on a hot air balloon ride.
I know I will slip up many times along the way and let fear control me. But I’m dedicated to trying to change my path and living life to the fullest. I don’t want to look back and think “what if?” So now my “why” has become something different. Now when I think “why”, I don’t think why am I the way I am? Now I think why do I want to change? Now my “why” is to become a better wife, stepmother, aunt, sister and friend. The more I grow and keep a positive attitude the better I will be for the people around me. So now you are all my “why”, the reason I’m work at living a more fulfilling and joyful life. What about you? What’s your why?